Dear Why Team member,
I hope this message finds you well and encouraged to serve with your gifts and talents.
Last week, we discussed the attributes of leadership - including encouragement to answer the call to be a leader. Most of my messages here are written with the hope that through reflection and consideration we will become more capable, more effective, and thus more able to lead others to the best version of themselves.
As we progress from dependence in childhood to independence in adulthood, effective leadership is born from the next stage of maturity: interdependence, defined as the realization that we need others to achieve a goal, a goal as basic as creating a family, or as grand as becoming a people free from oppression. It is important to not confuse interdependency with co-dependency. To get to the interdependent stage can be a very long journey.
As children, we are dependent. The adults in our lives pull all the strings, and unfortunately too often they are pulled in very dysfunctional ways. Often, because of drama and chaos experienced in the family growing up, the child, now adult, has a more fearful, self-protective view of the world. The realistic fears in childhood are often carried into adulthood with a continued need of dependency even though one is an independent adult. Without confidence, one feels that most everything worth living has to be tied to another person, often our partner. The result is often co-dependency: a childlike state carried into adulthood.
One of my coaches, Dr. Curt Spear, recently defined co-dependence for me. His definition is succinct and powerful: Co-dependence is when we are dependent on an external state to achieve an internal state. In other words, our internal peace and joy has become dependent on external factors: people, situations, circumstances - that are often out of our control. Co-dependency breeds fear and a kind of slavery to what might happen out of one’s control. This fear can lead to anger in an attempt to assert more control. Manipulation can become the order of the day in an attempt to control and order one’s life externally rather than internally.
Consider reflecting on this kind of behavior that may arise in you and in those close to you. For the ones living with someone enslaved by co-dependency, patience and compassion should be top of mind when trying to understand that it’s not about you, but rather a hangover from the past, often from a childhood that wasn’t very supportive and at times down-right terrifying.
Let’s consider our own independence, interdependence, or co-dependence. If you feel dependent on others to behave a certain way, or circumstances to unfold in a certain way, to be okay, consider practicing mindfulness.
Get the app called “Headspace” to start a meditative practice that will help set you free from unhealthy chains of thought. Most people live with thoughts that propagate fear and anxiety. Learn to see thoughts objectively, rather than subjectively.
This can bring great freedom.
Over identification with negative thoughts leads to more dependence than independence. For example, consider these differences:
“I am experiencing sadness” rather than “I am sad”
“I am experiencing anger” as opposed to “I am angry”
The one thought can bring freedom, the other can bring bondage.
Shame can come from believing I AM this feeling while the other objective view can bring patience, compassion and understanding. This practice of noticing thoughts is not that hard to do with a bit of initial guidance and a mindful practice will help you master it. It just takes a desire for greater freedom and independence from thought; not a co-dependence on right thoughts versus wrong thoughts.
Here’s a fun challenge for the next 2 weeks: every time someone around you - especially your children or a fellow Why Team member - defines him/herself as being a negative emotion, help them by asking them to consider that it’s a temporary feeling they are experiencing now.
Consider this mind blowing idea:
You can’t Be that which comes and goes, only that which is ever present.
I encourage you to constantly tell yourself, especially during rough times, I AM HERE, everything else has come to pass, including any negative thoughts - these too shall pass.
Metacognition: thinking about what you think about is a gateway to independence and healthy interdependence with others. One only needs to observe the world around us today to see those lost in thoughts - and acting out accordingly. Our country may be suffering more from this malaise than at any other time in history.
Now more than ever may we consider what Ghandi suggested:
“Be the change you want to see”
Throughout history we learned how important freedom is, freedom of expression, freedom of religion, freedom to love and to work towards a worthy goal. Are you dependent on circumstances to unfold a certain way, or others to behave and act a certain way, for you to be okay? If so, give yourself some grace, you’re not alone, and just notice the thoughts that come and go - you are so much more than thoughts.
Achieving a healthy interdependence with others, collaboratively supporting each other, but not through co-dependency is necessary for developing our leadership skills.
Let this be the week our light shines so brightly that it illuminates a path for others - including ourselves.
Make it a great week!
Steve Luckenbach