Dear Why Team member,
I hope this week’s message finds you well and acting generously… towards yourself first. This week we consider...
Being Selfish
Hmm, doesn’t sound right, does it?
Why be selfish?
I remember sitting in my car in front of my home, talking to my Mother on the phone and sharing with her a well-known concept: successful investing is often counterintuitive - meaning that the wisest decisions are often the opposite of what we might think.
I then said to her: “Mom, could a successful life be counterintuitive?”
To which she replied: “Ah honey, you have to write that down.”
You could say this moment was the birth of my regularly writing some seventeen years ago.
To this day, I feel compelled to write down insights that come to me - to explore them - find what they have to teach me and hopefully find value to share with you.
The Why Team was born out of this desire-to-inquire.
Thank you for being a Why Team member! This message is also an invitation for you to contribute via comments. My original vision for the Why Team, going back almost sixteen years ago, recognized that all members are leaders. If you can serve and influence at least one person, you are in a Leadership position.
At the beginning of the blog, comments had been turned off for reasons related to the industry in which I work, but we now are able to allow comments to give our members a voice.
If you feel compelled to contribute any ideas, thoughts or inspirations that arise from reading these weekly messages, please don’t bury your gift of insight, please share it with the team.
This week’s post looks at one of my stepping-stones laid down for me early in my experience working with a life coach.
Why a life coach?
Consider this: “We can’t see the picture when we’re in the frame.”
I have found that partnering with a professional coach requires an ongoing discipline of humility- most effectively accomplished from a spirit of wanting to become more for self and for others.
An early teaching from my coach was that of self-care. It seems counterintuitive that first serving ourselves is necessary if we are to be more effective at serving others.
Dr. Curt Spear, my life coach for over 15 years, often speaks to energy exchange. He says that energy-out depends on energy-in. While this stands to reason, it’s common to see people serve others to exhaustion that can lead to resentment. There are those who selflessly, monetarily, or non-monetarily, serve from abundance - giving from a cup that is overflowing and requiring no recognition for their leadership and generosity - and then, there are those who serve from scarcity - to fill their own cup. Could their choices be more a form of selfishness: “Look at me, look at how I sacrifice for others, see my admirable quality?” Notice how those who repeat this pattern have a habit of sharing their sacrifice with others.
If you find yourself doing this, it may be time to ask Why? Sometimes, we do things unconsciously, this is why I encourage stopping and analyzing our thoughts, our responses, our actions. It has served me well, hopefully it will serve you too.
It’s not uncommon that serving from a place of lack can lead to more pain than gain. We have all encountered those who even put the health of others before their own. Yet it’s so wired into us that all selfish behaviors are selfish. So much so that every airline flight begins with the important instruction that should there be a loss of cabin pressure, put your mask on your own face first! - then assist your child.
Can you believe the selfishness of a parent seeking to first get oxygen for themselves while their child cannot breathe? It is of course the instinct of most parents to put their child’s well-being first, but if as a result, the parent passes out, they can be of no good to the child. Consider extending this awareness to other areas of your life. Where do you put others first to the detriment of your self-care?
Ask yourself Why you do it?
Has this behavior become a part of your identity?
Is your Why a Calling or a Compulsion?
A common coaching reminder is simply to say, ‘your mask first’.
Consider Dr. Curt Spears insight on energy exchange. Everything is energy. We bring energy or we consume it. You know those in your life that lift you and those who drain you. Notice that those who drain you, likely are not caring much for themselves. In fact, they are often the very ones who call you selfish because they want something from you. If they rarely fill their own tank, they can end up siphoning from yours.
Observe yourself.
Do you at times draw energy at the expense of others? How much and how often? Asking these questions can help us step away from the picture we’re in and be more able to objectively analyze how full the cup is we’re serving from. By analyzing our own behavior, we can better understand our motives and the root of our actions.
What additional selfish self-care choice could you make to fill your own tank? Notice those who eat well, sleep well, exercise regularly, take time for themselves, reading, relaxing, meditating - notice how much more capable they are at serving others.
Our car cannot serve us, or others, without fuel in the tank. And the quality of that fuel determines the quality of the performance.
Selfishly filling our own tank is absolutely necessary if we are to become more for others.
Consider your routines of self-care and what more you might be able to do for yourself - to become even more for yourself - and for others.
Make it a great week!
Steve Luckenbach