✨✊Why Ask, Seek, and Knock

What we think might destroy us may be the very thing that restores us

Dear Why Team member,

I hope this week’s message finds you well and encouraged.

For 33 years of my life, I was estranged from my father; we reconciled 16 years ago.  So yes, I believe in miracles.
I find it very interesting the difference in my thinking today as opposed to my thinking before reconciliation.  I even titled my first book ‘Don’t Believe Everything You Think’ because I truly believe the ‘know it all’ rarely learns at all. Consider asking yourself these powerful questions:

Why do I think limiting thoughts?
Why do I say limiting words?
Why do I do limiting things?

It is written:
Ask and you will receive.
Seek and you will find.
Knock and the door will be opened to you.
However, it does not say how long you will have to wait ;-)

I think my earliest, most significant, ‘Why Question’ I asked soon after my dad exited my life at age 11 was: ‘Why do people do what they do?’  I know now it was a defense mechanism- if I could just figure out why people do what they do, I could maybe avoid ever being hurt like that again.

Research reveals that children of divorce are often out of the house earlier and marry later.  The instability at home can lead to early independence and later interdependence.  In my case, I didn’t marry until age 35 and over 16 years became more and more co-dependent, not interdependent.
The fear of abandonment is not a healthy way to live.  I read once that we cannot love someone we’re afraid of losing.

I have a couple close friends currently going through divorce.  It’s hard to watch them suffer.  Their circumstances are long and detailed - I admire how hard they have worked to make their marriages work. Dr. Roger Hall once said to me, ‘it takes two to make a marriage, but only one to end it’.  We cannot do the work of another no matter how hard we try.  We simply cannot climb into the head of another to direct their thoughts - and even if we could, it wouldn’t be their choice. 

In relationship, we must choose our significant other every new day.  Any adversities or triggers we experience are for us, to grow us, to learn about ourselves. 

To have a loving, supportive, patient partner is an absolute gift.  It’s hard work for both involved and takes courage to make that choice every day. And when leaving or divorcing is not an option, those choices are made more easily because there is no plan B.

Heart break is additionally hard because no one else can see it.  If you broke your leg others would come visit, maybe give you a get-well card and absolutely understand why you are limping about.  When my marriage ended, I remember literally crawling on the floor in a hotel room in pain - just hours before I had to give a speech.  It’s amazing what we can do when we focus on others rather than ourselves - it was of course an emotional speech - I was more vulnerable and more real than maybe I had ever been.

Most do not choose to break their leg - even if it brings freedom - often that choice is thrust upon us.  I was afraid of falling in the abyss - how was I to know I would bounce.

What we think might destroy us may be the very thing that restores us.

The important thing is to be real, to live free, free of fear, free of manipulation and control.  We humans can get so entangled we lose ourselves.  I pray you’re in a supportive, loving relationship - and if not, please get help immediately.  I’m a big fan of IMAGO relationship therapy. 

The gold of our relationships lies beneath the dragon of our fear.  Face the dragon - lead by example if the other is too afraid.  Break free from your fears of rejection and abandonment. Do the work and you’ll be even more what your partner needs.  Seek not to change the other, but rather Become the Change you want to see!!

Make it a great week!

Steve Luckenbach


My latest Instagram vignette on Welcoming the Clouds and Mining the Silver (link)